Inconvenience is the price of community but also––

First of all I hate slogans. You know that. Or maybe you don’t know that, are you new here? I’ve whined about adulting, about my dislike for the whole we don’t owe each other anything thing. I’ll probably rant about some other catchphrases tomorrow. Buzzwords annoy me. Love and life are too expansive to be squeezed into a little mantra. I hate tote-bag wisdom (oh no that’s another buzzword aaahh)

But lately, I’ve started going back on my stances for a lot of things. This should surprise nobody unless, hi are you new here, because consistency has never been a strength of mine. As much as I used to say I hate the notion of you don’t owe anyone anything, I’ve had to eat my words and guess what they taste like crap.

I know too many people who’ve HAD to decide they don’t owe anyone anything, and most of them aren’t assholes. They’re not running around with middle fingers in the air. They aren’t necessarily a bunch of empowered narcissists. Many of them are people who’ve been squeezed dry. People who’ve been taken advantage of. Some of them were once children with tears running down their faces trying so hard to convince themselves they didn’t need anything because their most essential needs were ignored.

So what did we do after the “you don’t owe anyone anything” movement? The internet clapped back with another slogan (no surprise) and I’m guessing you’ve seen it referenced in a bunch of reels already: Inconvenience is the price of community.

Hmm cool. Because sometimes it’s true. You must do inconvenient things. You sometimes need to show up to kids’ birthday parties. You drop someone to the airport, you answer the phone when you’re tired, or cook for a friend. You drop everything to care for your sick fam (I mean sick fam like 🤒, not sick fam like 😎🔥, or sikh fam like 👳‍♀️)

BUT HERE IS MY FINAL (ish) ISSUE: Both of these phrases, the owe nothing and the price of community, are still talking the same language. Debt, cost, transactions. It’s economics. Why are we talking about stuff that way? That’s the part that gets under my skin. And fine, maybe this is just semantics. In fact, yes, it is semantics but I’m a writer, words are literally my disease so I can’t be helped BUT––––

Why is our language around relationships so heavily reliant on economics and growth?

Did they serve you?!?? Did you outgrow them? What do you mean outgrow someone? Is your life some kind of startup where people are expected to thrive in a fast-paced environment or be cut loose? What do you mean outgrow someone??????

Do you outgrow a pair of jeans? Do you outgrow your high school best friend who took a completely different life path? Do you outgrow the person you first kissed? Do you outgrow your love for sizzling brownie? Do you outgrow your favorite TV show? Does a seedling outgrow the dirt it crawled out of? Does a tree outgrow the wildflowers that sit at its feet? Does a child outgrow their mother? Does a river outgrow the rocks that break and shape it?

Yeah maybe they do.

But is that really the point? Life isn’t some infinite vertical climb. And while it’s normal and fine to outgrow many things, including people, I think we need to just sit with how we see those things or people for a bit. Because when we say “outgrow,” what we sometimes mean is throw away. Discard. If it doesn’t spark joy, thank it and say bye.

I’ve moved seasons and places and chapters a lot in my life and in the process, I’ve had people exit my life cleanly. Like ripping off a bandaid. I’ve had others dissolve so slowly that I didn’t notice until years later.

These were people that were a part of huge milestone moments in my life, and I have no idea where they are now or how they’re doing. I don’t feel like I leveled up while they got stuck. I also don’t (anymore) weep or rage over it. I feel a kind of reverence.

I can look back and think of the ways they shaped and comforted me and I CANNOT for the life of me reduce where we are now to owed or outgrown or inconvenient. Those words are too bloodless. I love CS Lewis for his take on pretty much everything, but especially friendship: “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”

What an amazing and confusing thing it is for us to sit with the fact that maybe relationships are about making the world bearable. Love, at its core, is wasteful. It doesn’t always justify itself. It’s unfortunately very full of sunk costs and you’re never going to get a refund.

But thank god for that!!! If every relationship had to prove its value and if every bond had to be profitable, what would be left and who on Earth would survive that audit?? I sure as hell would not. I’d like for us not to talk about relationships the way we talk about economics. The sentiment is nice but maybe it’s time to burn that whole vocabulary to the ground.