Unfinished Conversations

I’m a woman of many talents: Winged eyeliner, frying onions till they’re just the right shade of brown, ironing stuff, cooking without ever tasting what I’m making while it cooks. But today, I’m going to talk about one of the things I’m notoriously, infamously bad at. I’m bad at replying to things on time. Messages, emails, DMs. Stuff like that.

Now I’ll take a moment here to clarify: if you’re someone who always gets an instant response from me, you either help me pay my bills, gave birth to me, are married to me, or you’re eventually about to discover what everyone else already knows – I’m terrible at this.

I’ve gone years without replying to messages that I fully intended on getting to when the time was right. I’ve defaulted to ‘sorry for the late replyyy’ more times than I can count. My long-time friends here need no further context.

I either reply right away, in 4 business days, or sometime the following year, and the fact that I can’t predict which one it might be makes the whole thing even more anxiety-inducing.

The longer I put things off, the longer I must continue to put things off because replying will involve explaining why I’m such a disorganized little freak. I’ll have to justify my delay, look and sound sheepish, and that will probably make the other person feel not-important. Which is the worst part of the whole thing because it’s got literally nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. (See above; ‘disorganized little freak’)

I can’t say I’ve ruined or lost friendships because of this, but I’ve definitely strained some. My friends have had to show me a fair bit of grace in this regard, and fortunately, I’ve had the sense to jump back in, bite the bullet and save my butt before it’s too late. Still, I’ve come dangerously close.

The reason I’m writing this little how-to guide is because now, I’m significantly better than I used to be. I’m far from perfect, but since I’ve come a long way, I thought I’d share some of the systems that have worked for me. Maybe they can help you too.

If you’ve been caught in the deadly cocktail of a bunch of unread messages, good intentions, and paralyzing guilt – this is for you. 

Let’s do this.

Your job isn’t to come up with the right reply, it’s to reply

When you get a message from someone, you are, on the surface, being asked to accomplish some task. Like help plan a meeting, or let someone know how you’re doing, or simply to say hi back.

While these may not seem like ‘tasks’, in essence, they kinda are. If you think of them as tasks, and not interactions that require you to reach into the depths of your humanity and fish out a reply from there, it can be easier to respond.

In case you can’t figure out what the task is, your task is simply to acknowledge the other person and hear what they’ve said. Hi, hey, I see you.

I find it easier to think of communication as a bridge and not as a performance. This is why, in literally 9 out of 10 cases, any halfway coherent response gets the job done.

The person reaching out simply wants to know that you hear them and that the connection is still there.

It can be extremely clarifying to look at this bridge-building as the primary goal of communication, rather than, say, providing a detailed recap of how the last quarter has been for you mentally. Or coming up with something clever / heartfelt / significant.

Caveat: If it’s your boss asking for an update on the report you were supposed to send two days ago, if it’s your friend letting you know that they need help with something and want a phone call, if it’s someone letting you know some really bad/sad news, or someone letting you know some really happy news – a version of ‘Hi, I see you’ might not cut it. It will be better to be a little more specific with your response.

The key is to understand the context and if you’re absolutely slammed for time and unable to reply, prioritize acknowledging the message over ignoring it till you can craft an appropriate response.

Don’t create anxiety by trying to avoid anxiety

When it comes to responding to messages, come up with 3 options for yourself. Here are mine: Immediately, by the end of the day, or never.

As far as possible, try and avoid the trap of “Should have replied yesterday but didn’t.”

It can be super tempting to believe that tomorrow’s beautifully crafted response is better than today’s half-assed reply but that isn’t true. First of all, I know that tomorrow’s Sonia does not have more time or headspace on her hands. I know she isn’t a more responsible, communicative person than the one I’m stuck with today.

In fact, tomorrow’s Sonia will probably be worse at replying to yesterday’s message because she’ll be battling the mounting guilt and worry about her tardiness. And she’ll probably have an even more full inbox.

These three things happen every time you plan on replying later:

The pressure builds: The longer a message sits unanswered, the bigger the mental hurdle replying becomes.

Our imagination does that thing: We start imagining that the sender is annoyed with us. We wonder if they’re upset. Do they think we’re rude? Are we ignoring them? How do we fix this gaaaah.

Guilt takes over: As time passes, the guilt of not replying grows. And then the pressure continues to build and your imagination does the thing, and before you know it, you’re STUCK.

Break free.

Even a quick “hey got it, will reply soon” can help kill the pressure.

Caveat: Some communication requires a bit of thinking time, or you might need to be in the right headspace to get to it. I’m not talking about those kind of messages.

If we’re honest, most of our messages don’t fall into the category of needing plenty of time and thought to respond to. In my largely drama-free life, maybe 8 percent of all messages are this type.

If you don’t have the right words, you don’t have to use words

You can use a voice note. (Which still contains words but whatever.)

Voice notes have been a super handy way for me to connect with people without having to get on phone calls. If I don’t have the time or headspace to type out a detailed message but want to say more than ‘What no way 😮’, I hit that record button and say my piece.

I don’t care whether the voice note is perfect. I don’t care how my voice sounds. I never do retakes. I don’t care if there are 8 seconds of silence while I gather my thoughts – voice notes are the way to go.

Caveat: If you’re over 40, or if you’re one of those people – you can simply pick up the phone and call the person. Why waste time on the back and forth?!
Additional caveat: Pls never do that to me.

Create a reply routine

You don’t need to be on the button 24/7. The alternative to being bad at replying isn’t being glued to your phone. Messages will trickle in and you don’t need to let them disrupt whatever it is you’re doing to reply right away. 

Find a handy little reply routine by setting aside a dedicated chunk of time to power through your messages. Choose a sweet spot in your day when you don’t have much else to do, like when you’re scrolling through reels, or right after lunch.

For me, my reply routine is around my daughter’s bedtime. While she drifts off to sleep, I have a quiet window to focus on replying without it bleeding into other parts of the day.

It’s okay to not be constantly available

The pressure to be constantly connected can be suffocating. You don’t need that, I don’t need that.

That’s not what I’m advocating for.

After thinking about it carefully, I realized that most of my lack of responsiveness wasn’t because I was busy or because I didn’t want to reply. It’s because I was disorganized. This isn’t the case for everyone, and it isn’t the case for me all the time either.

There’s a difference between healthy boundaries and chronic neglect.

The goal here isn’t to be a responsive queen that’s always available and connected to everyone all the time – that’s not healthy. I’ve known people like that, and to hang out with them is to watch them reply to everyone in real-time. They’re present digitally but feel absent when they’re right in front of you.

True connection needs presence, not just responsiveness. Unwritten contracts of friendship do exist, but they’re more about understanding and empathy than rigid rules.

If you’re going through a demanding period, those that know you will get it. A simple “Hey, heads up, I’m neck-deep in X right now, but I’ll catch you up soon!” can go a long way.

Side note – different platforms, different you

You know when you’re waiting on a reply from someone and it’s been a few hours but you see them active on some other platform? Posting stories or sharing memes or something?

This section is about that.

The way we communicate online has become beautifully (or frustratingly) complex. Platforms like Instagram, WhatsApp, Snapchat, or even email – they’re like the media multiverse. Every platform has a different purpose, and we’re sort of different version of ourselves on each of them.

For me, Instagram is my creative space and my platform to share the parts of my life that I choose to with a broader audience. It’s also where I express my views, blow off steam, share creative work like this writing, or talk about things that matter to me. For the most part it’s low-stakes, fun, and pointless.

WhatsApp is entirely different. I use it for work, I use it for family groups, and I use it for all core communication. I’m not gonna blast off a message to everyone with a picture of my breakfast. Communication is more intimate and/or more functional. I use it to share inside jokes, make plans, and connect more meaningfully with people. The stakes are higher.

The key to navigating the conundrum of being ignored on one platform is to avoid taking the silence personally. Communication protocols are evolving alongside technology.

Reach out on the platform that feels most natural for the type of communication you want – whether it’s sharing memes, catching up on life, or whatever else you hope to do.

While I fully understand the frustration of someone meeting you with silence on one platform, only to see them screaming into the void on another, just remember that we live in weird times and we’re all figuring things out.

Okay, bye!