This is an essay full of semi-organized thoughts about friendship.
I usually start my essays with a bunch of personal anecdotes and extensive backstories, but I’ll bypass that temptation today. I want to preserve this discussion and keep it free from the distortion that my personal experiences might bring.
So without further ado, here are some thoughts about making, keeping, and losing friends.
Friendships shape us early
As kids, we quickly find a sense of belonging and identity through our friends. I remember my early friend group in a Catholic girls’ school; these girls didn’t just shape my identity; they were, in some ways, a part of it too. Like mirrors that gave some shape to my shifting and uncertain sense of self in school.
We’re usually measured by the company we keep, and this framework, especially in school, left some of us popular and celebrated and others isolated. Fortunately, most of us have grown up and out of that thinking, but it feels like we still cling to some of these simplistic lenses to view ourselves.
I’ve yet to meet an adult who’s not somehow still dealing with whatever role they played in the exhausting school and high school friendship machinery. Even if it’s in small ways. I feel like childhood friendships are never treated like anything of serious consequence by the adults in our lives, but they really should be.
The stuff of friendship
Strip away the labels, and what is friendship, really?
It’s the art of reciprocity. I’m realizing that more and more as I make new friends in a new city, friendship is quite uncomplicated,
They text? You reply. If you can’t reply right away, maybe let them know. But you reply.
They call? You answer or send a message. It could be a genuine “I’ll call you right back.” Or ‘What’s up?’ to let them know you’d rather text.
They’re dealing with some drama? Stand shoulder to shoulder and offer support.
Offer genuine advice when they’re in doubt and reach out. Keep things real but kind.
See a meme or a reel that reminds you of them? Share it.
They have a life update? You make yourself present in whatever capacity you’re able to.
They’re hosting a dinner? Show up, or if you have to cancel, apologize.
They confide in you? You keep that safe.
You make memories together.
It’s important to be friends with people you can genuinely, extravagantly praise to everyone. You should be super proud of your friendships. If you aren’t, it helps to think about why that might be.
On finding new friends
I want to preface this new-friend bit by reminding you of something important: Your worth is NOT tied to how interesting you are. Your value as a friend has nothing to do with how many wild stories you have, how much money you have, who you know, or how cool you look, or whether or not you travel to cool places and visit fancy bars or dress a certain way. Your worth isn’t tied to any of that. It just is NOT.
If it feels like that, it’s because the social media-ed world we inhabit likes to make you feel like everyone is better and cooler than you. It’s normal to feel like nobody needs your company because they have the most exciting friend group in the world and their life is just perfect without you, but I promise, your regular often-ordinary life is enough.
Everyone knows it’s much harder to make friends as an adult, but I’m here to dispel a few of those notions. Making friends as an adult can be incredible. Once you have a more solid sense of identity, meeting wholesome, like-minded, kindred spirits is thrilling. You have so many more life experiences to unpack.
There are hours worth of conversations to be had. It’s a journey of discovering connections where you least expect them and, sometimes, finding friendship in the most unusual yet delightful circumstances.
Here are some ways I’ve made new friends lately.
Tap into weak ties
The people you meet through a friend at a party. The guy you spoke to at the gym. A colleague. Don’t underestimate the potential depth and richness that these weak ties can bring into your life. Plus, maintaining this network of acquaintances contributes to your sense of belonging to a community – which is great when you move to a new place.
I know we tend to think of friendships as solely a quality-over-quantity endeavor, but quantity matters too. In 1973, Mark Granovetter presented this concept in his paper, The Strength of Weak Ties. Contrary to the idea that close-knit relationships are primarily influenced by one’s well-being, Mark highlighted the underrated power of our casual friendships. Quantity, as it turns out, has its own quality.
Plus sometimes, these weak ties are just a few conversations away from becoming a valuable and enriching friendship. Having said that, I don’t recommend trying to turn all your weak ties into BFFs. Think of your relationships as an investment portfolio; diversification is key.
Find shared context
Shared context is pretty critical. It provides an immediate point of reference, like a little a nod of understanding. My shared context is ‘I moved to Goa recently’, or ‘I have a baby’. Sometimes it’s ‘I work remotely’.
Even if you’ve taken different paths post that experience, the foundation remains, so it feels like continuing a conversation rather than starting from scratch. If you and another person share one key life experience, you probably have a ton in common that stems from it. Unpack that!
Let go of age expectations
This one is my recent favorite.
Something I’ve noticed as we transition from our late twenties to our early thirties is the diminishing weight of age as a boundary. And this happens in the best ways imaginable. The result? Friendships that are rich in depth and diverse in perspectives.
These relationships aren’t just about digging up wisdom from the oldies, or about blessing them with our millennial coolness. It isn’t about fixing their laptops and iPhones or sharing Facebook forwards.
It’s the chance to navigate life with a mentor-friend hybrid, someone who can offer both companionship and insight. There’s so much of depth and texture that such interactions bring, like beyond the aunty-uncle context.
The main challenge would probably be overcoming our internalized age biases, but I honestly believe that every 20- or 30-something person should have a friend in their 40s or 50s.
This could work the other way where you befriend someone younger than you, but in my experience, most people in their late teens or early twenties won’t find as much value in talking to you. 🙁 Give them some time.
Maximize opportunities for serendipity
If you’re trying to meet new people or establish a social life – go to stuff. Go to parties, dinners, museums, art galleries, cafes, and beaches. It doesn’t have to be with company. Even if you suspect that these things might be boring – just go.
Alternatively, you could meet people through your hobbies. Develop some hobbies if you don’t have any. Like you could get really into cycling or board games or something. Nothing is more essential to our well-being than cute little projects. Plus, they’re a great way to meet people.
Piggyback on your social friend’s connections
Another great way to meet people is to follow one of your really social butterfly friends around. You know, the one who goes to a million things and always says hi to everyone. Them.
Ask them to introduce you to people, ask them for help with navigating new social dynamics, and don’t forget to buy them coffee as a thank you for their efforts.
Use social media
This one worked well for me. Around the time I got pregnant, I decided to be more vocal online. Most of it wasn’t that deep; I shared a few more memes than I used to, began talking more, and connecting with people.
Then, I started this blog and began writing online. It helped me connect with so many wonderful, kind, thoughtful, brilliant people. I’m always so encouraged by the conversations I get to have with people through this form of communication. Even though I haven’t met some of them yet, a lot of my Instagram friends are now people I meet and talk to on the regular.
I think one big thing worth acknowledging is the difference between just posting pictures of my lunch and actually putting myself out there. Sharing my thoughts, opinions, and ideas. Getting into the real me, and not the convenient online one. It can really help build connections that are rooted in mutual respect and intellectual stimulation.
On maintaining friendships
As you get older, holding on to authentic and trustworthy relationships is challenging, confusing, and sometimes heartbreaking. Especially in a world feverishly obsessed with finding true love, we find ourselves with the knowledge that friendship is important, but then have very little insight about how to make things work.
Nobody gives you a guidebook for holding onto your relationships. When you’re dating someone, you spend a lot of time discussing your relationship, the intricacies, the joys, the challenges – you never do that with friends. Rarely will you evaluate why you might have grown apart. You won’t be as quick to get upset over a bunch of canceled plans, even though you should.
We like to keep our friendships very easy-peasy as far as expectations go, and while there’s nothing wrong with that, I think we ought to put a little more work into nurturing relationships with our friends.
So here’s how I’ve been trying to do that off-late.
Live close to your friends if you can
I don’t need to explain this, but proximity is a glorious thing. Friendships that require little notice, planning, or pressure because they’re right around the corner: that’s peak living. If you have a great set of friends, don’t leave them. Please. Just don’t do it. If you’ve done it already, tell them you’re sorry and ask them to take you back.
Make low-stakes plans
Even if it’s an easy video call. I’ve given up trying to schedule things too much. I’m slowly getting the hang of making plans that are a little loosey-goosey. Sometimes when you’re catching up with friends, especially if it’s after a long time, there may be some pressure to make it grand. To make it worthy of the beautiful, incredible thing that is your ✨friendship.✨
If we’re looking at relationship-maintenance, I think plans that don’t need any major effort or energy are the way to go. Like running errands together, or a non-meal meeting. It could be a drive, a coffee, a beer, or just a walk. Right now, I’m sitting opposite a friend and we’re both working. We’ve talked a little bit, but we’re mostly just in the same room.
The ease of interaction and the absence of a rigid agenda is liberating. I’m so grateful for this kind of company.
Make the time and effort
Carving out time is important, whether it’s for calls or to hang out. You can’t feel close to someone unless you’re consistently putting in the effort. Don’t give me your excuses. We all know people who bail on everything for months when they’re going through a rough patch (and I’ve been that person too) but please know that this does hurt your friendships.
Many friendships will recover, but I think it’s important to recognize that consistently taking people for granted because you expect them to ‘understand’ won’t serve you well long-term.
Check in!
Lately, I’ve been trying to adhere to something like an internal set of reminders that tell me when to reach out to a friend. Usually, during my free time, I scroll down my WhatsApp chat list, and check in with the people I see on there.
I’m trying to cultivate this inner voice that goes like – it’s been a while since you messaged this person, why not pop in and say hi. If you think of someone, just text them. Soon, you’ll get better at actually staying in touch, and not just thinking of them with good intentions and no actions This is not something I’m great at, but I’m trying.
Ask your friends stuff
If you’re trying to maintain your friendships, it helps to go beyond the shared context that you have with them (e.g. we went to the same college, we work at the same company) – ask your friends about their lives, their family, their interests.
A lot of people have trouble talking about stuff that’s bothering them, so sometimes, it’s on you to ask. Choose friends whom you’re genuinely interested in because people can sense it when you’re asking out of obligation rather than genuine care for their well-being.
Ask yourself stuff, too
Maybe this is just for me because I deal with a teeny bit of social anxiety sometimes.
If you feel like you’re always asking for more and expecting more out your relationships, I think it’s worth asking yourself how you’re showing up for your friends. Are you considering what they like and enjoy and need, or are you primarily focused on your own needs? Are you making it all about the ways in which you’d like to be seen and understood?
Sometimes you might feel like you’re expecting too much, and while it might be cool to NEVER have to lower your expectations and just go find better people instead, there’s nothing wrong with setting smart, well-adjusted expectations.
Do the friggin’ basics
Friendships take work.
Anyone who tells you that the *right* relationships are easy and effortless – don’t listen to them. They’re coconuts.
An essential part of maintaining friendships will involve working through a road bump or two. Be willing to take feedback, be willing to apologize and ask for forgiveness, reach out first even if you’ve ended up being out of touch and it’s kinda their fault. Have the difficult conversations. Tell them how you feel. Tell them that they’re important to you. Be kind, root for their success, and help them through their hard times. Be nice to their family.
On letting go of friends
I don’t have a bunch of tips here. I don’t want to.
I personally haven’t figured out the whole ‘friendship breakup’ thing. I don’t know, it just doesn’t sit with me. I feel like it’s not a real thing. I wish it wasn’t a real thing.
But since we all know that it IS, and having lost a few friends along the way, I think I’d like to briefly discuss this difficult subject.
We’ve all had disagreements with friends and I think a part of growing up is realizing that you can’t ‘win’ an argument, you can only lose the relationship. But it’s also okay to let go of a friendship that isn’t working anymore, especially if staying in it is doing you or them some harm.
In my limited experience, something that prevents you from letting go of a friendship is tied to this principle called the ‘Sunk Cost Fallacy.’ In economics, it means throwing good money at an investment that has gone bad (or was never good to begin with) only because you invested in it. It’s giving – “I’ve come this far, I can’t give up now.”
People have a tendency to push forward and hold onto relationships when they feel like they’ve invested resources that cannot be recovered. Time, emotional energy, maybe even money, shared memories.
So why do we do it? According to this helpful article by Colleen Murphy, there are four reasons.
Reason 1: We hate to admit failure. Like, we’ve failed at resolving conflict, or we’ve failed at being the ‘perfect friend/human’ that we are in our mind. Or we’ve failed at being understood by someone.
Reason 2: We want to justify our investment. But we’ve been friends for so long. We’ve been through so much together! We’ve been a part of each other’s milestones. Surely, it must all be for SOMETHING!
Reason 3: We fool ourselves into believing things will be different. It’s a phase. It’s the season we’re in. It’s the natural course of friendships sometimes. Now while this may not always be true, I do think this reason holds some merit. Some relationships thin out during certain seasons, but if there’s genuine love there, those people will continue to be a part of your life. Eventually.
Reason 4: Most important!!!! We are focused on past investment rather than present and future value. I’d say this summarizes all the 3 points. When we think about the value that the relationship brings to our lives at present, there isn’t much apart from the fact that we get to postpone feeling like a failure, feeling like we made a bad investment, and acknowledging that our relationship might be irreparably different.
Instead of evaluating our relationships based on the mutual joys of the present and what the likely value will be in the future, we base our decision on what we have already invested. We choose present discomfort or annoyance rather than face the inconvenient truth that a relationship might not be good for us anymore.
So again, from the article I quoted earlier, here are four ways to combat the sunk cost fallacy in your friendships that might be dying a slow, painful, necessary death:
- Realize that past investment is in the past. Your energy, time, and resources cannot be recovered no matter what happens next, and neither can theirs. What’s done is done.
- If you were starting over today, would you choose this person again? Would you see value in their company without the shared history?
- Think about what the likely future with this person looks like. Is that a future you or them want?
- Think about a time when you have lost a friendship in the past. Is that a relationship you wish to have back? If you survived that, you might survive this loss too.
I hope you never HAVE to end a friendship. And I hope if it comes to that, you can navigate it with grace and hold onto tenderness. It’s okay to accept that you deserve better. If you’re in this season, my heart goes out to you.
Unfinished Conversations 
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