Unfinished Conversations

By Sonia Rebecca Menezes

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How do you write an essay like this without everyone you’re close to assuming it’s about them? 

Hi, if you’re reading this – what I’m talking about has zero to do with you. You’re off the hook. Breathe easy.

Recently, I was having an unbearable conversation with a very old friend. There wasn’t one specific misunderstanding; it was your regular, slow, sad friendship deterioration. We were both to blame in different ways, and neither one of us quite had the tools to fix the dumpster fire. 

BUT WE TRIED. A little. Mostly through a generous dose of underwhelming, half-baked, feeble apologies to each other. Not a single apology delivered could have done any justice to the situation. We must’ve run through at least five or six differently aimed apologies before we both gave up.

Our dumb conversation inspired this Buzzfeed-esque listicle. So, here are some ways you should NOT apologize to someone. Seriously, don’t apologize like this, okay? I tried some of them. They tanked. So just take my word for it.

The Non-Apology

You’ve probably done this one before. I know I have. (I also know you have)

It’s when you say you’re sorry, but what you really mean is, I’m sorry you’re so sensitive. It’s a foolproof way to add insult to injury.

“I’m sorry you’re upset that I didn’t reply,” or “I’m sorry you’re disappointed that I acted that way.”

The non-apology is a masterful way of ensuring that not only is the original injury unhealed, but a fresh wound has been created. Brava!

The Blame Shift Apology

This one is a gem. So instead of saying you’re sorry, you turn the tables and make it about something else, or better still: you make it about the other person.

“I’m sorry I was late, but you know how traffic is,” or “I’m sorry I forgot your birthday, but you didn’t remind me.”

The Blame Shift Apology is not only a non-apology like the previous example, but it also gives you a chance to make the other person feel guilty for your mistake. Kill two birds with one stone, you little bird killer.

The If-But Apology

The If-But Apology is a masterclass in ruining everything! It’s a complex formula, but some people somehow seem to get it right every dang time.

“I’m sorry if you’re angry, but –”

The ‘if’ and ‘but’ are the stars of the show here. The if implies that you’re not really sure you did anything wrong, and the but 🍑 is your chance to explain why it’s not that big a deal and they’re just being dramatic.

It’s the apology equivalent of saying something like: I love you, but I’m not iN LoVe with you. Confusing, ouchie, and guaranteed to spark some fireworks.

The Absent Apology

The Houdini of apologies.

“I’ll make it up to you.”

But you don’t. While it sounds nice in theory, it’s devoid of actual remorse, and the person wronged is left hanging, waiting for an apology that will never materialize. It’s the equivalent of your school friend who still owes you that lunch from ten years ago.

The Haiku Apology

For the more artistically inclined (like me), why not express your remorse in a concise, 5-7-5 syllable poem?

“Ghosted you, I did
My text fingers were on strike
Sorry for the ouch.”

It’s a beautiful way to say you’re sorry while also displaying your literary prowess. 10/10 would recommend. However, it usually accomplishes nothing.

The Mutually Assured Destruction Apology

This one is a showstopper.

Instead of apologizing for your mistake, you dig up something the other person did wrong in an expert counterstrike maneuver.

“I’m sorry I forgot to pick up your lunch, but remember when you left the iron on and almost burned the house down?”

If you’re going down, you’re taking them with you! It’s the only way.

The Social Media Apology

Perfect for the digital age.

Instead of apologizing to the person you’ve wronged, you make a public post about it.

I would like to sincerely apologize to Jessica for eating her sandwich. #imsorry #sandwichgate 

This way, instead of actually resolving the issue, you’ve turned it into a spectacle for likes and online validation. Plus, you’ve got the added bonus of turning their anger into confusion as they wonder why their sandwich theft is now trending on Twitter.

Guaranteed to fail every single time.

The Thesaurus Apology

Why use plain language when you can dazzle them with your vocab?

You ate someone’s sandwich. Instead of saying sorry, you can instead “proffer your most profound contrition for the inadvertent misappropriation of their luncheon.”

It’s forgiveness by confusion. And it works like zero out of ten times.

The Fortune Cookie Apology

Okay, no more sandwich examples; that’s so passe.

The fortune cookie apology is as hollow as the cookie it’s named after. It’s vague, impersonal, and leaves the other person wondering if you even know what you’re apologizing for.

“I’m sorry if things haven’t been great with us.”

What things? How haven’t they been great? WHAT IS HAPPENING!!! Who cares? At least the words ‘I’m sorry’ have been said, right?

Wrong. Don’t do this.

The Passive Voice Apology

The favorite of politicians and press releases worldwide.

“Mistakes were made.”

By whom? What mistake? Where? Sir, can you at least point me in the direction of the mistake? Is the mistake in the room with us right now? Who knows.

This apology is all about avoiding personal responsibility. It’s like saying, “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt,” instead of, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” It’s a subtle way to distance yourself from the wrongdoing while still being a sandbox.

It can work if the other person isn’t paying enough attention.

The Do-I-Have-To Apology

This apology starts wars.

With a heavy sigh and a roll of the eyes, you say,

“Fine, I’m sorry, okay?”

You’re not really sorry; it’s a surrender. You’re sorry that they won’t stop harping about it. It’s your white flag, but with an air of, “Are you happy now?” as if your apology was a sacrificial offering to the gods of pettiness.

So how DO you apologize?

I don’t see the point of this rant unless I clarify how one ought to apologize. This isn’t necessarily how I apologize. But one ought to do it this way to minimize destruction.

Step 1: Recognition

You’ve got to acknowledge what you did wrong. No, not vaguely. Clearly acknowledge the screw-up. No ifs, no buts. If you messed up, you own it.

“I ate your sandwich. It was ME! I’m so sorry.”

Step 2: Empathy

Show them you understand why they’re upset. Let them know you’ve taken a stroll in their shoes, and it wasn’t a fun walk. No more “I’m sorry you’re upset.” Instead, try:

“I know that me eating your sandwich left you lunchless and hungry.”

Step 3: Responsibility

Take responsibility for your actions without trying to shift the blame or make excuses.

“It was wrong of me to eat your sandwich without asking.”

Step 4: Make Amends

Offer a genuine solution or ask what you can do to make it right.

“Can I make you another sandwich? Or order you one? A better one? Like, I ate your sandwich, and honestly, I think you can do better. I know a place –”

Remember, sincerity is key. As Aristotle famously said, Real eyes realize real lies. You can’t fake your way through it – an apology isn’t about getting out of trouble; it’s about acknowledging the feelings of the other person and making things right.

Good luck. You got this.